Choice
by Julsgracie
Summary: For people who think Bella should think through her decision to become a vampire more. It's time for her to be changed, but what happens when Bella's thoughts unleash people she doesn't want to have to remember? 2 CHAPTERS - DISCONTINUED.
1. Chapter 1

_Bella's POV. __Takes place after the wedding. __Please look on my profile for more information and feel free review/message me if you don't understand what happened or have a question._

_Please take a second to tell me what you thought of my story after reading. It really helps me. Whether you loved it or just want to flame me, please give me some feedback. _

_Take note: This is not a transformation story. If Bella decides to become a vampire at all, I will not be writing the transformation. The Bella in my story is not the same girl as Stephenie's Bella. My Bella values humanity more, and it was more difficult for her to say goodbye to Jacob. This will never happen in real life. I hope I wasn't too convincing. _

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Bella, or Edward. If anything, they own me. _**

This was it. With Edward's cool arm resting lightly on my waist, I sauntered up the font steps of the Cullen house. I knew he would take my slowness as reluctantly, but truly I just wanted to take my time… to suck in my last moments as a human. I stopped right before the door and turned gently to face the front lawn. His arm dropped from my back immediately and he looked at me with deep, anxious eyes.

I sighed, shaking my head in exasperation. Edward defined the word 'persistent' to perfection.

"Edward, maybe I'll have to wait a century or two until you're finally convinced that this is what I want, now and always." He only stared into my eyes, obviously unconvinced, mostly likely trying to lift the thoughts straight from my mind as he so often does.

I wasn't going to let his silly insecurities ruin this for me. I embraced the trees and the grass and the wind, feeling the sun on my soft skin for the last time. I studied the sky, watching the clouds, wondering how they would look to me in a few days. It was strange to feel this way…I had expected something more like impatient anticipation. But instead I felt a desperate need to remember…

Edward began to reach out to me again, but he seemed unsure. His hand paused a few inches from my arm, as if he was wondering if I was on the peak of indecision.

_Unbelievable._I turned to face him and then reached up on my tippy toes, kissing him passionately. I opened my mouth, knowing he wouldn't push me away, and forced my body as close to him as possible.

I pulled my mouth from his after a moment and faced the door, grasping his hand. For a moment he stood there, dazed, and then the door swung open quietly with a tap of his hand. I tried to remain confident as I stepped through the threshold and into the bright room.

He walked with me to the foot of the staircase with out saying a word. The silence was killing me. His left arm had found it's way to my waist again, and it grasped me tightly, as if trying to hold me there forever. But the rest of Edward's body hung limp—his head and right arm drooping strangely.

I struggled to escape his grasp and he released me at once, only to immediately lock my face between his strong hands. He swung me towards him and I tried to look away from my eyes, afraid of what I might see.

But his gold eyes were empty. Empty, yet deep as endless pool of dark water. I stared at him, perplexed, and suddenly his eyes were burning like fire. I saw his jaw tense.

"Bella." He was pleading. "There is still time. One year—"

"No." Amazingly enough, it sounded firm—final. Perhaps it was because I imagined Edward's dream. My first year of college, human. In sunny Connecticut. Him inside all day long, away from Alice and his family, hunting by himself…

There was no other way. No other time. We had set it up perfectly; it would be practically painless to abandon Renee and Charlie now.

_Painless_—what was I saying? Never would it be painless. But the pain of not being with him was even more devastating. There was no other way, and I knew this was what I wanted and needed more than anything else. I would stay in touch with Charlie and Renee. We would make excuses…and maybe one day, in several years, I would see them again.

It was Jacob that I knew I could never see again. Maybe after decades of control, but there was no telling that he would want to see me, or that I _could_. I thought of how Edward always waited for me at the border…

There was a horrible ache in my stomach whenever I thought of Jake, because I knew that I had left him—left him the same way Edward had left me, only the conditions worse. I had _chosen _Edward.

Suddenly I saw Jacob and I, eleven months earlier, sitting in the movie theatre waiting for Mike to emerge from the restroom. His arm was around me, his thumb tracing my scar, his laugh swallowing me from the shadows…

I loved him, but not the same way I loved Edward. Truly, I knew there was no comparison. The connection I felt to him was such a strong bond of friendship that romance had naturally began flourishing, like a weed in the richest of soils.

_I would hurt them all._

The doubts I was feeling now scared me. I knew what my life would be, so why procrastinate and dwell over past choices?

I suddenly looked up from where I had been studying a floorboard and focused on Edward's face. He was wearing that expression—confusion and frustration were painted quite plainly across his beautiful features. It registered to me that he had probably been staring at me for some time now, watching me as I thought and contemplated anxiously.

I hated seeing him like this. Even now, I still had to inflict pain. Now it was Edward. My bones melted in his gaze and I reached up slightly to kiss him; our lips wove together loosely, but familiar, like old friends.

He was reluctant and unresponsive at first, as if wondering if he should be encouraging me.

I pulled away gently, disgusted with myself. How could I expect Edward to trust my decision, when I was questioning myself? The pure thought of that shocked me into immobilization. _Where_ did this indecision come from...?

I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his chest, closing my eyes.

I thought about Jake. How he had led me from the darkest place I had ever been. How he had held me so tight that the wretched hole in my chest could never tear me apart. His warm smile and his goofy, inviting laugh.

I had realized just how it was that Jake and I had become to close. How I had depended on him so much, practically clutching myself to him and holding on for dear life. It was Edward, like all other things in my life. If Edward had never left, I would have never been in that devastated state. My passion for Edward became my passion for Jake as Jake helped me deal with the pain from losing Edward, due to my passion for Edward.

And I had plainly fallen in love with who he was along the way.

His pain, my pain. _Edward's passion, Jacob's passion._

But Edward's love was no reflection of a different relationship—I had never felt about anyone the way I did about Edward.

Charlie had said it himself: I was lifeless without Edward. The part of myself I would lose when I left my parents and Jake behind was nowhere as significant as Edward's piece of me. Because I practically _belonged _to Edward.

And what else could I have done—really? If I had known of my feelings for Jake earlier, perhaps I wouldn't have it all get so far. But I would still lose Jake, still hurt Charlie and Renee the same. No matter how painful it was, the truth was that Jake was not as important to me as Edward was. And I knew I had thrown him aside.

Much to my dismay, I began to cry. Soft, soundless tears, but Edward noticed. He lifted my face from his chest, tried unsuccessfully to unwind my arms from him, and looked at me with a concerned and anguished expression. Guilt. I saw it in his eyes.

"Bella, please, you don't have to do—"

I couldn't bare listen another word. "Edward, just let me think."

I looked into his eyes.

He was the most important person to me in the world.

I knew this. So why was I still reluctant? Why was I wondering what Charlie was doing, or Renee, or whether Jake and his pack were out running?

I remembered when I was little and my mom gave me keepsakes. "Give this to your little girl, Isabella, when you grow up," She said.

Pain and loss slashed through me. I remembered making lists of possible names in sixth grade when I was bored in class, thinking about the day…

I opened my eyes. Edward was still holding me, but his face was so confused and pained that I felt the need to say something.

"Edward…I'm, I'm so sorry…."

"Don't apologize, please, love."

I buried my face into his chest. He was so wonderful. He was mine. Edward was _mine_.

I had always dreamed of having a child. But I knew no man could ever be as perfect for me as Edward. I would give it up for him.

"What are you thinking, Isabella?"

I met his gaze and my eyes embraced his apologetic crooked smile. I abruptly felt silly—foolish for even doubting what I wanted to be. Entertaining options that didn't involve Edward and me for all eternity were beyond ridiculous.

I decided I owed him the truth. "All the usual doubts were running through my mind. I was trying…trying to calculate…" I stopped. Why cause him more pain?

"Bella, please tell me. Please." His voice had a strange edge to it. It scared me.

"Edward, no pain will ever be as devastating to me as not being with you. No one in the world matters to me as much as you do. I love my family, and Jake…but the pain of leaving them, of leaving all of being human, is nothing compared to not being with you." I felt relieved to finally express this to him, but also worried for his reaction. The last thing I wanted him to do was beat himself up trying to talk me out of something I had already decided.

"Bella, please, consider this—"

"Forget it, Edward. There is no point delaying. You will never change my mind." I was so,_ so _tired of this conversation.

Jasper entered the room then. He drew closer, and I could see he was about to greet me, when his stride suddenly shortened. He moved towards us, more overwhelmed and uncomfortable with every step. A weak, brief calmness swept through me.

"_What…feel…Jazz?"_ Edward sputtered the words so quickly and quietly to Jasper that I only barely caught a few words. I immediately came to the conclusion that he was trying to decipher my thoughts through his emotionally talented brother. Jasper looked at me, torn.

"Edward! I told you already—"

He shook his head, his eyes strangling the words in my throat. "You edit, Bella. You don't want to hurt me."

I wanted to melt. To disappear. I hated to see him like this—yet, I was causing it. I saw Jasper exit the room quickly out of the corner of my eye.


	2. Chapter 2

My brain clouded

My brain clouded.

"Edward. Listen to me, okay. Listen. I need you to understand that…look, I need—"

"Bella, please. Lets just go, before Alice—"

Alice appeared and flashed to Edward's side.

"Edward, don't worry, she's just nervous, Jazz told me. Her future is the same…"

Then she looked at me.

Her expression was concentrating. I could see it. No fury towards me, no hatred or anger for betraying her family. She was calculating. Probably translating, I presumed.

I felt like I was on the verge of tears.

"Bella, come on." She grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the front door quickly.

"No, Alice…" I twisted half my body around, trying to face Edward. He looked like he had been punched in the stomach. His breath-taking face was even whiter than usual, washed out. I tried to reach for him, but Alice scooped me up and flung the door open, zipping down the path.

As soon as we were in the trees, I turned my head into her shoulder and sobbed. I could feel her tiny body beneath me, streaming across the endless beds of moss, leaping skillfully over fallen logs. Her hand flicked out to snap a thick branch that was in our way, and we plunged on further.

"Alice…" I moaned into her shirt. She pressed her cheek against my hair, kissing the top of my head.

"It'll be okay, Bella. I just need to get a few miles away and then we can talk."

I nodded, wondering if he would follow.

She answered my unspoken question. "He'll stay at home, Bella. He'll wait for us to return."

I nodded again, overwhelmed with relief.

Suddenly the forest stopped moving, and I realized we were at a standstill. Alice released me gently and I stepped down onto the wet ground. Raindrops trickled through the thick canopy above us like soft tears, and here I cried.

Alice sank to the grass slowly like a feather caught in a breeze, folding her legs beneath her and watching me with a sad glimmer in her eye. I stumbled down beside her and she pulled me half into her lap, letting me rest my head on her knees.

"Shh, shhh, Bella."

I just shook my head, feeling the green light of the forest sticking into my skin from every direction.

"Tell me," I croaked after a moment. "Tell me what you saw, Alice."

She sighed, deliberating.

"Please."

"You were running," she said quietly. "Through the forest behind your house. You were crying. And then a moment later I saw Edward alone in his room."

"How did you know…"

"You forgot your ring here yesterday after you took a shower. He was fingering it."

I put my head back down, and the tears came again.

"You shouldn't be here, Alice…I don't deserve…" I trailed off, unsure how to finish.

"Bella," she lifted my head from her tear-stained jeans and stroked my hair.

"No, Alice, I am horrible, I am…" My words sounded like pleading. I turned to look at her. "How can you even be with me right now?"

"Bella, I will always love you. No matter your decision. It was unexpected, but I don't blame you for it. Edward feels the same, I am sure."

She hugged me, holding her hand against my hair, and I tried to stop the tears from coming. But they were relentless.

She was so forgiving…but would Edward feel the same? And Carlisle and Esme…Rosalie perhaps would be pleased. But what about the others?

"If you don't mind, though," Alice said into my shoulder, "Could you tell me what made you change your mind?"

I remained motionless against her. What could I tell her, really? Her brother was more than I could have ever hoped for…and impossible dream that was somehow real and in love with me. What could I tell her?

"Alice…I, I—don't know what to say…"

"Just tell me what you were thinking." She pulled back so she could see my face.

I hesitated. "I was thinking about my parents. And about Jacob."

She nodded. "Go on."

I took a deep breath. "What they would think…how they would feel…Jake, especially…" I struggled for words.

"Bella," she said sadly, "This is what he wants for you."

I shook my head. "He thinks he does. But not truly. He wants me to be like him, I know it. More than anything else. But to him it is selfish…"

Alice didn't say anything, and I knew that she understood that part of him even better than I did. She had only been trying to console me.

I stood up and her head snapped up to my eyes in surprise. "You want to go back?"

I nodded. "I feel horrible having him wait like this." She nodded and picked me up bridal style, bracing herself before flashing away through the trees.


End file.
